(September 2000)

We all pile out of the car, eager to stretch the tension that's built-up away. Danny opens the boot and everybody gets their coats on against the chill of the night. Some more people arrive, stopping to check with us that it's the right place before driving past and parking up themselves. Liam and Jo sit in the back of the car to sort out their whizz and Cait, Danny and Sasha neck their tablets. Afterall, I'm still standing. I pull the hood up on my jacket, it feels comfortable, I feel like a monk under his cowl. I don't know if the E's starting to hit me yet, but I'm definitely starting to feel confused.

-Shall we take the water, says Cait.

-Nah, we'll just come back for it when we've checked out what's happening, Danny replies.

None of us notices the police car until it stops right next to us, the radio speaks out from its inside as the policeman winds his window down.

-What's going on here, then?

I look inside to Liam and Jo sorting out their speed, and I'm carrying the rest of my tablet and a bag of grass. Suddenly everything looks bad again.

-We've come for the party, offers Danny.

All cops have moustaches, this one is in his late-thirties, a good family man, stout, you might say, a friendly country copper, and bored.

-Is it a rave, then? You smoking spliffs?

I need a cigarette but I'm not about to roll one up.

-Do you have tickets?

-No we don't. It's a free thing, there aren't any tickets.

They get on the radio, asking for further instructions, they don't really know what to do except report it and wait for orders. They don't want any trouble, they were probably just expecting a quiet night patrol.

-There seems to be a rave going on here, that's romeo, alpha, victor, echo, rave.

He laughs at us.

-You shouldn't have come up this road, we've got you trapped. Only one way in and out and we can block that up you know.

We grin nervously, Liam and Jo haven't moved a muscle since the cops arrived. Be polite and nice and pray we'll get away with it. (Pity none of us believe in God). These are just country coppers, they're all right, got kids and a wife, divorced perhaps, but they don't want any trouble from a crowd of drug-crazed youths. Another arriving group walk quickly past us, avoiding hassle. I'm glad for them.

-So why've you come here?

-Just to dance, you know. Get out and have a party. Danny has become our spokesman, the rest of us nod and chime agreements. I'm trying to avoid attention, Danny is looking out for us. A message comes through on the radio.

-All right, you can go and enjoy your party. The powers that be have decided not to do anything for now. You're not doing anybody any harm here. He smiles -We might be back later, though, and remember what I said about the road.

We wish them well and they drive off. They were OK, they could have been worse, we were completely helpless, only a show of a good face can get you through something like that, a bit of forelock tugging. And luck, of course. I roll up a cigarette, my body is crying out for nicotine, the E is definitely kicking around in there, it's gentle, space is starting to open up. If I can just relax. We check out Liam and Jo, they're laughing over what they've done. When the police arrived Liam was holding the wrap and up it went in a cloud of dust, settling over the back seat of the car.

-O, shit, sorry about that, says Dan.

-A, these things happen, you know, Liam grins.

-It could have been a lot worse, adds Jo.

-Yeah, they were all right, really. They were loving it, though. Did you here him on the radio -We've got a rave, romeo alpha shit. Probably made their whole night.

Jo's not really got anything now, except what she's salvaged from the back seat, Liam has his half an E, so he's sorted.

-I'm sorry, Jo, says Liam, giving her a hug.

-Don't be silly, I'll be fine.

We walk down the rest of the way along a country lane in the moonlight, towards a clump of trees where everybody else has gone. We can't hear any music. I'm happy just to follow, I can't be bothered trying to think anymore, I've just had too much stress, police, carrying drugs, a growing awareness of having to help Sasha through something she's never had to handle before, the waiting, wired and tired and now the evening is only just starting. The walking feels good, we move to the side to let a car go past us. We can just see a group of people ahead walking into the treeline. We get there we see a campfire and a small circle of about seven vans, a few travellers sit around talking and the ravers are standing around trying to work out what next.

One of the travellers gets up and speaks to them,

-You looking for the rave?

We all follow him down a side path through the trees.

-Stick to the path, he says. There's a lot of deep holes around here.

The beat of the music starts quietly and builds up, squishing ambient sounds with a fairly solid beat, not quite dancing music. In a hollow clearing of trees is a small stage with lights shining out onto the woods around. There's a fairly small number of people sitting around in groups, skinning up, a few are dancing, we sit near the fire at the far side, claiming our own circle. I can feel the grin on my face as waves of bliss spread through my body, my thoughts aren't cut down or confused, but they just babble like a child over the space in my brain I've come to reside in. Danny looks at me.

-You coming up then?

-Yep, and it's fucking fantastic.

-That's what I like about taking drugs with you. You always do them first and let me know what a good time I'm going to have.

I try to smile but my face is already one massive grin so I laugh. -Do you want to skin up for us? I pass him the stuff and look around, digging the fire, digging the people sat around it, digging the colours and the clothes and eyes, the moon, digging the light in the trees. Dig the whole world, dig the people, dig the thoughts, just dig.

Hello, this is reality control to body, over. This is reality control, are you receiving me, over?

Hi there reality control, how's it all going, over?

It looks a bit rough here, things are getting pretty intense, so if we could just run through a few checks, over.

Roger there, reality control, commence check on all systems, over.

Mind open, check

Visuals, check

Breathing, wow, check

Movement. Uh oh, movements looking a bit tricky

Can you try standing up, over?

Yep, its OK, but it looks like we'll have to be taking it easy up here.

Can you dance?

We just don't know yet, control.

OK, well, just sit back down and enjoy the ride. This is reality control signing off, have a better one.

It's getting better all the time, over and out.

Liam's just starting to come up, I can tell by the grin on his face and the look in his eyes that he gives me as he hugs Jo tight to his body. We're all sitting just outside the circle of people around the fire, which has opened up where we are to let the heat escape towards us. I feel restless, alert, but I don't want to move. I'm half crouching, half sitting, concentrating on the awareness around me. Danny's gone back to the car for the water. Cait laughs at me, she's sitting next to Sasha who I can see hasn't settled yet, isn't quite ready yet, snatching and feeding on every word, every contact offered to her. I want to talk, to share everything that's going on in my head, but the only words I can get out are about how amazing I'm feeling. I can't explain it.

-It's just so...

Just so. That's what is is, that's the only way I can explain it. Just so. So what? Real? Weird? Nothing. Just so.

-It's excellent, I grin. -You're in for a fucking amazing time.

A guy walks past behind Cait and Sasha, long scraggly frizzy hair, unshaven with a big Nepali coat keeping him warm, the fire glows in his eyes, in the blackness entrance to his soul, vacant, empty, overflowing with the world.

-Do you want any speed, acid? he asks.

I think and it becomes words. -No, I'm fine, but my friends might want some. My hand goes up to hold him without even touching him before moving to grab Liam's attention, pulling it with a fist to the man.

-Do you want some more Billy? This guy's selling.

-How much?

I turn back to him, -How much for a wrap of whizz?

-A tenner.

I look back to Liam, -Well?

-Yeah, do you want to come in on some?

-Sure. (But I don't need anymore I don't want anymore, it's just what will be will be) I take the ten pounds of his, we'll sort out who owes what tomorrow, and exchange it for a wrap which I pass straight to Liam. -Everything's so easy, man.

-Yeah, I know what you mean, this is great. Really blissy.

Danny comes back and I neck my other half with some water.

-How you doing? I ask him.

-I'm doing fine, yourself?

-Whooor, I grin, he understands, of course he understands, we've known each other, been doing drugs together, even lived together on and off, with separate trips to the other side of the world, for three years now, always balanced with each other, criticising and encouraging each other in every aspect of our lives. Man, either one of us could put the other so far into trouble because of thoughts, words, deeds, they'd throw away the key.

He hugs Cait, poet Cait, who Cares too much to be anything but hurt because people love martyrs and saints, she's learning that real sharing can make you happy afterall, without promises beyond the little lies and traditions friends build for each other. Liam passes me the wrap and I take a little dab and some water. I don't want a lot, I don't need it, just some to be sociable, almost, because I'm all the way over and climbing fast, I pass the wrap back, there's too much going on to focus on anything, just going with the flow, the music pounds on, we're in the middle of nowhere, the moon looks beautiful in the dark blue sky, it already seems to be growing a bit lighter, it never really got dark, it's been light all the time. I look at Sasha, all of our attention comes to her, wanting to guide her, help her, she's not settling down, I knew she wouldn't, there's been no preparation for her, not enough care, Christ she's had nothing to ready her for what's going on in her mind. We try to help, to explain, but something's holding me back, it's me she's waiting for, I once saw a friend go mad because he lost his wallet with all the pieces of paper that told him and the world who he was, it's in every single look she gives me, he had lost his identity and he couldn't cope with just being himself, I can't do anything, because of what it will mean, what happens tomorrow, the day after, next week or a year from now, it's all laid out and I've spent months dodging around it. Cute but dangerous, a little ball of samsara, the world, the illusion of becoming and going, the eternal wheel that drags us and ties us to each other without love, without compassion, piles of flesh and bone and thoughts and feelings animated and flowing, changing interacting helpless. I can't do anything, I can't help anybody unless they ask and selfishly, now, I have to wait for words, the need the eyes isn't enough, if she asks I will be there, all any of my friends has to do is ask and I'll move the whole world around until they have what they want. But they have to ask. Myself am no longer quite I, I can feel the energy the light inside me And around me. This is stupid, it's only a drug. The fireglow and stagelights give us everything over the moon, the grass, the faces, folds and patterns of clothes, nettles, dogs, dancers, I squatting facing the line of my friends, I've cut myself off but that's who I am, but I want to help but I want to remember everything that happens, but I want to feel everything, I look to her with the offer she's waiting for, to try and give her the courage to just ask-Will you sit with me? she says. I can se the film of liquid over my eyes, I can see every fucking molecule of everything dance, I can see her. -Of course. Everything, such a beautiful word indeed because what else is there? After that all words are redundant and there's just what you experience through the senses that reach from your outermost and innermost to join in the middle where there is an infinity of everything. Spinning. That there's a barrier between the infinity inside my head and the infinity outside is obvious and the only thing that's real is the barrier itself, not physical, not mental, the bit in-between which doesn't really exist, it's an explosion of two infinities meeting. She's warm and compact under my arms curled around her chest, her back is safe, protected with my body from fears and paranoia demons that creep in the edge of vision behind you. She's still tense but I feel her relax. She's talking, I can feel her words, she's talking herself up, I've seen this so often, she's talking herself into having a good time and every word brings her further and higher. She turns to Cait and Danny, she's talking to them and they KNOW everything's OK now, Cait can stop worrying, Liam leans over to me, -Have you told Sasha these E's are really spacy? -No, -I mean I just feel whooo, -Yeah, it's fucking nice, though. -Yeah, Sasha is listening to us, Liam tells her, -These E's are really spacy, -I feel all right now, it's just strange. -Yeah, tell us about it, he replies. The world drifts off, there's just the two of us in an embrace, I relax it a little, I want to see the sky stretched over us. It's growing lighter, it's nearly solstice, there's so little darkness, a few pitiful hours that we have seen though and now it's just a new day ahead while most people still sleep, missing it all. -How are you feeling? I ask her. -It's really good now, it was just, I felt really confused, it's so strange, I don't know. It seems like it's just waiting in my head for me. -Ignore it, concentrate on being happy, the confusion will seem to get further and further away. I pull her to me again. I kiss her neck briefly, we just sit together. She looks round at me, studying me before giving me a quick peck, checking, childish making sure, I'm not just real, giving, thanking, hoping, living, taking the pain away. Who care's if all this means nothing, it's just so, it's what is, I don't want to think about the future, there's only now, it can wait while we celebrate just this, Now. I will deal with problems as they come, not make them up, it's just a drug, it can all be done, tomorrow, or the day after, or next week, or a year from now, it's all laid out and I don't have to worry about it.

Danny looks at me with a quizzing smile, I raise my eyebrows and roll my eyes, I grin, whoo, lock us up indeed, he ho HOO, Hee, hope Glee bliss we all shit and piss, life is GOOD and beautiful just love. No cares, no worries, no ego, no self to be hurt or paranoid or jealous, myself in the whole world, I spread through everything, I feel everything, sorrow and joy

End

"The Time of the Naguals"